If you've ever wondered who makes those TV commercials that make you scratch your head and wonder, “Who would approve that idea?” then check out this article by friend and guest copywriter, Bill Mount: Co-Founder, Drumcircle, LLC, a marketing and branding consultancy.

Most of these folks have retained their jobs through tsunamic tides of layoffs for one reason: they work relatively cheap. And like the management who runs the agencies, they all live for one thing: approval from their superiors, their peers and their clients. And approval means they get to keep making payments on their lake houses, boats, and McMansions.

No, we can't really blame the copywriters and art directors when we see a TV spot that makes us scream, curse, throw food or, more often, just say "huh?" Instead, the blame must be placed further down the sticky birth canal of advertising, with the creative directors, agency heads and clients who approve the ideas and misguided production.

So, we're forced to ask, who the hell approved the use of "London Calling," the Clash's vitriol-fueled, ur-punk rant about a desolate, post-apocalyptic England where "London is drowning" in a meltdown-swollen Thames, to promote Jaguar Cars and the giveaway of a trip to that very same (we must assume, undrowned) city?

Who the Hell approved Iggy Pop's "Lust For Life" for Royal Caribbean Cruises? Maybe no one bothered to listen to the whole song: especially the lyrics about "liquor and drugs" and doing "a little striptease." I like to imagine that they actually filmed the scenes that illustrated those lyrics -- wild, decadent debauchery aboard a floating sin palace -- but had to leave them on the editing room floor in favor of shots of healthy-looking families swimming with stingrays and chowing down on lobsters the size of Harley-Davidsons.

Even more bizarre is the use of certain songs in the pharmaceutical category. Both Schering-Plough's Claritin and Merck's Vioxx are running commercials scored with insipid top-40 songs from the mid-1970's; "The Rain, The Park and Other Things" (more commonly, but wrongly, known as "I Love The Flower Girl") by the Cowsills, and "It's A Beautiful Morning" by the Young Rascals (actually, I think they were just The Rascals when this tune was released).

Why? Think about it. Can't you just visualize the meeting? Jill, the 26-year-old Associate Account Planner in the Chevignon-Humphrey glasses and Prada knockoffs is wowing the clients with a PowerPoint presentation that illustrates how baby-boomers in their mid-forties who are beginning to suffer with allergies are nostalgic for their teenage years...back when they were young and carefree and could breathe worth a damn. And so, the link between 30-year-old, candy-coated pop music and post-nasal drainage is indissolubly forged. Of course, this reasoning is as spurious as that of the man who covers the floor with newspapers "to keep the elephants away." But no matter. The writers and art directors will march forth from that meeting to create advertising based on this sweeping insight; the clients will feel brilliant for understanding the bizarre connection and we'll all furrow our brows over it during the commercial breaks in the Today show.

Of course, a more obvious musical choice for a sinus medicine might have been "Breathe" by Télépopmusik (am I the only one who finds the accents aigue over the "e's" and the Gefälschter Deutscher spelling "musik" in this French trio's name as hilarious as the umlaut over the "n" in "Spinal Tap"? Of course, that umlaut was a deliberate gag, but I digress). But Mitsubishi Motors has already laid claim to this bit of eurotech, synthobop dandelion fuzz (actual verse: "Another day, just believe. Another day, just breathe. Another day, just believe. Another day, just breathe. I'm used to it by now." Cole Porter, eat your heart out), choosing it to underscore a commercial for its Outlander mini-SUV. Actually, that would be a lousy choice for an antihistamine commercial; the singer sounds like she's been drugged and the Claritin package proclaims in no uncertain terms, "Non-Drowsy."

Can you find the cure for "the dreamer's disease" at your local CVS Pharmacy? If not, then "Get What You Give" by New Radicals strikes me as an odd choice of music. The first verse is a rant against adult authority seems an offbeat topic for healthcare insurance ("Wake up, kids, we've got the dreamer's disease. Age fourteen; they've got you down on your knees...the bad rich... God is flying in for your trial...Health insurance rip-off lying, FDA big banker's buying). The second verse is a diatribe against more successful musical acts ("Fashion shoots with Beck and Hanson, Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson. You're all fakes, Run to your mansions. Come around, we'll kick your ass in"), all set to an admittedly catchy melody.

No, this song is a more valid musical choice for Mitsubishi Motors, who it to sell their Montero SUV. The guys in Mitsubishi's marketing department must have been won over by the line "Every night, we smash their Mercedes-Benz."

In a lovely bit of ad music cross-pollination, New Radicals front man Gregg Alexander co-wrote another song that turns up in a CVS commercial: "Lovin' Each Day," performed by Ronan Keating. First two lines: "I'm on a mission to cure my condition. 'Cause without your kissin', my heart's just a prison." Buck up, Ronan. As with the dreaded "dreamer's disease," I'm sure the cure for that condition is available over the counter at CVS.

Did anybody at General Motors listen to all of "I Love Myself Today" by Bif Naked, before approving it for a commercial about financing options? "You left me like a broken doll in pieces 'cause I took the fall for you, you dumb chump. You left me free-fallin' like space junk..." These are not the sentiments I'd choose for a company with widely publicized issues over product quality and customer satisfaction.

Of course it would be unfair not to point out the occasional brilliant musical choice used in a TV commercial. Let's praise the folks who chose and approved Peggy Lee's wonderful "Sweet, Happy Life" for Target's wedding registry service ("My wish for you: sweet, happy life. May all your sorrows be gone and your heart begin to sing"). I can't imagine a lovelier musical benediction for a couple embarking on a new life.

I'd also commend the appropriate choice of "Perfect Day" by Hoku for J.C. Penney. The commercial depicts a pretty, young mother introducing her pre-pubescent daughter to the glories of a consumption-embracing shopping spree, set to lyrics like "tomorrow's gonna come to soon...I could stay forever as I am...don't stop me 'til I'm good and done." Yeah, you go, Penney's. Lots of luck finding relevance in an ever-shrinking niche somewhere between Wal-Mart and Saks.

Kudos to the folks who revived Redbone's absurdly infectious "Come And Get Your Love" for the Healthy Choice brand. The singer beseeches, "What's the matter with you? If you want some, take some," as we're treated to pseudo cinéma vérité images of attractive-yet-somehow-regular-looking-folks just enjoying the heck out of stuffing their faces with chow, inter-cut with scenes from classic cartoons of people (and cows) eating similar fare. If there was ever a justification for even more intrusive consumer market research, it's this commercial's final shot of a pregnant woman silhouetted against the light of her refrigerator, eating ice cream directly from the carton, combined with the tagline: Go Ahead. Eat.

Although I poked fun at a Jaguar ad earlier, I'll send some accolades their way now. The choice of "History Repeating" by Shirley Bassey with The Propellerheads for the introduction of the new X-Type is absolutely brilliant. At the risk of pedantry, I'll remind everyone that Ms. Bassey also sang John Barry's theme to "Goldfinger" in 1964 ("He's the man...with the Midas touch."). If there was ever a voice that encapsulated the edgy sophistication of mid-century, swinging England (a time when Jaguar was, Jag-u-waar) it's the growling Ms. Bassey. Put her into a musical Cuisinart with the Propellerheads and you have Jaguar's heritage combined with the cutting-edge technology that today's luxury car buyers demand.

It's an inspired musical choice. Except, of course, there is that jaded, cynical, final verse in the song that, somehow, never made it into the commercial: "There is fashion, there is fad. Some is good, some is bad. And the joke is rather sad. It's all just a little bit of history repeating. I've seen it before... and I'll see it again."

Here's a little unsolicited advice to advertisers: when your ad agency brings you an idea for a TV commercial based on a piece of pre-existing music, evaluate it with an open mind. But please, ask them to play the whole song before you approve it.

Editor’s note:

Bill Mount finds the hidden “hooks” in brands that make them irresistible. He combines wit, iconoclasm and an appreciation for Adam Smith’s “invisible hand” with an understanding of the pressures that marketing leaders face today.

•Serial Entrepreneur: Co-Founder of Brain Surgery, LLC in Atlanta and G2M in Boston

•Advertising: Creative Director at DMB&B, Tracy-Locke/BBDO, Ogilvy & Mather

•Education: Graduate studies in Marketing, University of Alabama

•Scary job: Disturbingly successful car salesman, Bart Starr Lincoln-Mercury, Birmingham, Alabama

•Road Not Taken: Keyboards, percussion, backup vocals, The Hampton Rhodes Band

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